Welcome to the Raw Food Humor Page! You've worked hard learning about the raw food diet, doing your serious research and your due diligence to make sure you're making the right decisions for your health. Now it's time to kick back, relax, and have a laugh or two!
You know, people often ask, “Are there any outward signs that a person eats a lot of raw foods?” Aside from the fact that they look fit and trim, have glowing skin and appear at least ten years younger than their true age... no, you cannot tell simply by looking at a person.
For all you know, the glowing skin could be an indicator that they have spent way too much time in a tanning booth or that they have been in close contact with some kind of meteorite, or dare I say, a UFO? Especially if that glow tends to have a greenish cast! However, there are other ways to determine if a person eats a lot of raw foods. Here are some raw food humor clues…
1. If you notice that the person in front of you in the grocery checkout line has twelve bunches of organic bananas in their cart – and they don't own any monkeys – they just might be a raw foodist.
2. If absolutely nothing in their cart comes in any kind of box or jar or can or bag, either they are boycotting all containers, or they are definitely a raw foodist.
3. If you find your neighbors growing large trays of what you think might be cat grass – and you know they don't have any cats – they just might be raw foodists.
4. If those same neighbors also use their oven as a cupboard and their stovetop as space for their dehydrator, they may indeed be raw foodists.
5. If one of your relatives claims the entire family-sized serving bowl of salad as their personal meal at Thanksgiving – and completely ignores the turkey – they just might be a raw foodist.
6. If that relative actually sculpts their own “turkey” out of a substance called “pate,” you know they are a raw foodist.
7. If you walk into a home where the kitchen has more strange contraptions than a well-equipped science lab, it just might be the home of a raw foodist.
8. If that same kitchen contains enough produce to feed an army battalion – and only 2 people live there – you are absolutely in the home of raw foodists.
9. If enticing aromas of pineapple, watermelon and mangoes waft over to you throughout the day from the work cubicle next to yours, your coworker just may be a raw foodist.
10. If that same coworker is the only person in the office still awake at 3:00 in the afternoon – and he never drinks coffee – he is most assuredly a raw foodist.
11. If your friend often speaks some gibberish language using strange words such as durian, goji, maca and cacao, don't worry, he's not an alien, but he just might be a raw foodist.
12. If that same friend happens to know someone who goes by the name of “Avocado,” he is definitely a raw foodist.
Now that you are getting an idea of how to recognize other raw foodists on this raw food humor page, the following are signs that you may actually be a raw foodist yourself. Be aware that this is the kind of thing that often sneaks up on you. One day you may just slap your forehead and realize, “Holy Cacao, I’m a raw foodist, too!”
1. If you see the glass as half full, you may be an optimist. If you see the glass as half empty, you may be a pessimist. If, however, you see the glass as full of green smoothie, you may be a raw foodist.
2. If you can whip up an amazingly healthy meal in less time than it takes someone to microwave dinner in a cardboard box, you're becoming a darned good raw foodist.
3. If you have actually given away that perfectly working microwave to some poor uninformed soul, you are a rather dedicated raw foodist.
4. If you find your own grocery cart full of 12 dozen organic bananas, accompanied by 8 pineapples, 6 cantaloupes, 10 heads of romaine lettuce and a 25 pound bag of carrots – and you're not having any kind of party – you're becoming a serious raw foodist!
5. If your eyes spontaneously feel like rolling every time you hear the question, “but where do you get your protein?” you have probably been a raw foodist for some time now.
6. If you feel better than you have in your whole life, you've healed yourself of any physical issues, you take no medications, nothing hurts anywhere in your body and you “youth” rather than “age,” you're likely a 100% raw foodist!
7. If you find yourself taking more photographs of your food than you do of your family members, either you're a photographer of a culinary magazine, or you might be on your way to becoming a raw foods chef yourself.
8. If you couldn't name a single restaurant in your home town to save your life, but you know of chefs by the name of Juliano in California and Sarno in New York, you are a rather well accomplished raw foodist.
9. If you find yourself avidly listening to the wisdom of that guy named “Avocado,” then you are well on your way to becoming a true blue raw foodist!
10. If you feel drawn to add weird stuff like sulfur to your diet – and you think that's a good thing – it's very likely you're a) listening to an awful lot of that guy “Avocado,” and b) a really hard-core raw foodist.
11. If you find yourself walking around barefoot while sipping fresh coconut milk at outdoor living-foods festivals, then you are a graduate level raw foodist!
12. If the concepts of grounding, zapping and sun gazing mean anything to you at all – and moreover, hold some level of fascination for you - you are probably an evolved raw foodist.
If you are laughing while reading the above raw food humor, chances are you are well on your way to becoming a raw foodist. If, on the other hand, you are scratching your head as you are reading this raw food humor page, relax, it is probably only a minor scalp irritation and by eating more raw foods this condition will clear up by itself.
Your journey into the world of raw foods has only just begun!
Because, in all seriousness, none of this stuff is made up.
As dedicated raw foodists, this is actually how we live!
For example, I always smile when I get to the checkout line with my cart full of fresh fruits and vegetables. Because I never know what funny comments people around me are going to say. Some of my favorites are:
“Are you having a party?”
“Do you own some kind of restaurant?”
And the best one of all: “Do you work for a zoo?”
I simply smile and say “No, this is just my weekly trip to buy healthy food for my spouse and myself.” I watch as their eyes glaze over, and I can tell that they have had one too many doughnuts that day.
Even funnier is when they look at my cart, and then back at their own, and start making feeble attempts to hide their frozen cardboard pizzas, processed fake cheese food and carbonated chemical poison beverages. As if they are somehow embarrassed to be next to me in line.
Inwardly, I just thank them for doing their part to support our local doctors. Someone has to pay for their yachts. And it certainly hasn't been me.
It just amazes me that in this day and age they don't see the connection between that cart of, well, I wouldn't actually call it “food,” and the number of pharmaceutical drugs they need to take. But that's their prerogative. To each his own way.
I, myself, prefer to live a long, happy and vibrantly healthy life and still feel great when I'm in my 90's and beyond. And I know raw foods will take me there. But that's my prerogative.
In any case, keep your eyes and ears open to those around you and you'll likely notice a raw foodist or two in your midst. Or perhaps you'll even become one yourself!
I hope you have enjoyed this raw food humor and are equally enjoying your raw food journey! “May you live long and eat lots of veggies” (Oh, yeah, and prosper too!)
P.S. If you are so curious you can't stand it, that guy named "Avocado" is none other than one of my favorite enlightened raw food teachers, David Wolfe. I've mentioned a number of his fantastic books on my Raw Food Books page.